Sex, like pretty much anything else in life, can be seen as a practice.
Something that you approach with curiosity, enthusiasm, and understanding that with time, it can get better and better.
One of the perks of having a practice is that it helps you shake not-so-great habits that may be holding you back. When it comes to your sex life, that means ways where you’re not showing up fully as yourself, ways you may be able to feel more deeply and subtly, and other quirks that are keeping you from having your best sex ever.
We’re going to break down some of the most common sexual habits that you may benefit from getting out of.
It’s important to note that none of these things is inherently bad, nor do they make you a less self-aware person, or bad at sex, but being aware of them can help you notice ways you can experience more pleasure in bed, and everywhere else.
Being Self Conscious
You are gorgeous, you are sexy, you are whatever adjective you dream of being. If someone gets the honor of sharing your bed and your body with you, then they are one lucky human. If they don’t see that or appreciate you for whatever reason, they might not be worthy of having access to your body.
It’s easy for insecurities to be highlighted while you’re having sex. It might be one of the only times someone gets to see so much of you.
The easy solution to this is to turn the lights off or leave some clothes on. While these steps may make you feel better in the short term, it doesn’t get to the root of the problem.
When combatting self-consciousness during sex, instead of focusing on what your body looks like, try focusing on what it feels like. Notice the little nuances in sensation, places you may be holding tension, and places that feel really, really good.
Meditation can also help improve your confidence and your sex life. You can find a few helpful meditations here that are geared towards helping you have better sex and experience more pleasure.
The more you do this, the easier it gets to get out of your head and into your body.
Sex is communication, and much of the communicating we do during intimacy is non-verbal.
That doesn’t mean your partner is a mind reader though.
While it’s great to have a partner that can pick up on your nonverbal cues and anticipate your needs, that isn’t always the reality. It can take time for you to build that kind of relationship with someone, and even then, we’re always changing and so are our needs.
Not only that, but these relational skills take time to develop.
Many of us aren’t raised with the skills to advocate for ourselves and our needs, that then carries over into our sex lives. That can be further complicated if you’ve experienced any sort of trauma, sexual or not.
Learning how to ask for what you want during sex helps everyone enjoy themselves more, increases your confidence, and helps imrpove your relationship in other ways, whether or not it’s “serious”.
Taking Yourself Too Seriously
Sex is portrayed as serious in media, school, and everywhere else we might be exposed to it.
While it can be serious sometimes, it doesn’t have to be.
Joy is the spice of life, and sex should be enjoyable. Your sex life is a great place to explore and have fun. Having fun and forming a deep connection aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, sometimes fun is the gateway to connection.
If your sex life is feeling stuffy and serious, you can switch it up and try something new and exciting like a new sex toy, a kinky activity, or one of these fun sex games!
Focusing on The Finish Line
Orgasms feel incredible, and we’re all for having as many of them as you can and want to.
That being said, sometimes putting too much focus on orgasms can take us out of the moment and may even make it harder for us to orgasm.
Moving your focus away from orgasms doesn’t mean not having them, just putting less emphasis on them. Instead of trying to force something to happen, notice the ways you are experiencing pleasure and connection, and how that changes and builds throughout your experience.
Try slowing down and experimenting with more sexual activities besides penetration.
Experience More Pleasure
Whether or not you can relate to any of these habits, take this as an opportunity to do a self-inquiry into if there are other habits in your sex life that you want to break.
Sex can be funny, messy, exciting, so give yourself some grace, and enjoy yourself as much as possible.