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They say it\u2019s the most wonderful time of the year, but for many, it\u2019s the most challenging. <\/p>\n
Michelle Gillie, for example, is facing the holiday season with a heavy heart. In the past couple of years she\u2019s lost multiple people close to her, among them her 24-year-old nephew, who died last December.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am prepared to be immensely sad for the rest of the year,\u201d Gillie said. <\/p>\n
What is it about the holidays that cause us to feel the loss of someone we loved so profoundly? Why is our grief \u2014 and all the complicated feelings it sparks \u2014 so intensely activated? <\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a loaded time,\u201d said Claire Bidwell Smith, a therapist and grief expert. \u201cThere are decorations up everywhere, family gatherings, gift giving and commercials [advertising the holidays]. It\u2019s supposed to be a cheerful, joyous time \u2014 which may be incongruous with how we\u2019re feeling.\u201d <\/p>\n
Grief brings a mix of emotions<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n
\n\tAround this time of year, Smith often sees clients struggling not only with the more expected feeling of sadness, but also with more complex emotions, such as anxiety and anger.\n<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cThere is a lot of anxiety and pressure to make the holidays great even when you are feeling sad and lonely and perhaps dealing with some family conflict,\u201d Smith said. \u201cOr you just don’t even want to do the holidays without your [deceased] person. Or you’re just constantly bombarded with these happy, cheery images and suggestions for what things are supposed to feel like and you’re just feeling like, \u2018No, I’m grieving. I don’t feel<\/em> happy and cheery.\u2019\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\tResentment can also brew.\n<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cWhen you perceive that everyone around you is having that festive time and you\u2019re not, you may feel jealousy and resentment,\u201d Smith said.\n<\/p>\n \n\tThose who have lost loved ones may also feel terribly lonely, and like things are all wrong. This may be especially the case if your lost family member or friend was typically very into the holidays or a big part of your festivities.\n<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cThey\u2019re not going to be at the holiday gatherings this year \u2014 and maybe they brought a lot of dedication to them in the past,\u201d Smith said. \u201cPerhaps they organized the rituals or made the meals. It\u2019s now very apparent that this person isn\u2019t here, and that our lives have changed as a result.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\tMemories may also be bubbling up uncontrollably.\n<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cSo many memorable experiences have taken place at this time from childhood on up,\u201d said Hope Weiss, a social worker and certified grief-informed professional. \u201cIf people who died are part of those memories, this time of year brings them up and [highlights] the loss of that person not being there.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\tAnd we may also be haunted by the ghost of memories we didn\u2019t get the chance to make.\n<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cI struggle with the future we didn\u2019t get, the memories that could have been, the advice not given and the fatherly wisdom I missed out on,\u201d said Juliet Guisasola, who lost her father in 2001 when she was just a teenager.\n<\/p>\n \n\tGuisasola\u2019s grief may not be new, but it\u2019s still raw around the holidays, which isn\u2019t unusual.\n<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cThose who lost people long ago may now be feeling a resurgence of grief this time of year,\u201d Smith said.\n<\/p>\n<\/div>\n We may be grieving someone alive, but not in our lives<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n We may also be feeling a surge of grief around relationships that we have lost, or over people that we\u2019ve had to cut out of our lives for our own well-being. <\/p>\n \u201cThe person doesn\u2019t have to be dead to not be in your life anymore,\u201d Weiss said. \u201cWe may have removed someone from our lives. It wasn\u2019t a choice we wanted to make but one we had to make. That can be really hard.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Get support if you\u2019re grieving <\/p>\n<\/h3>\n How can we navigate these complicated and heavy emotions around the holidays?<\/p>\n The first step for those who are struggling with grief is to connect with people who can relate to what they\u2019re going through. <\/p>\n \u201cHaving systems of support, such as a grief support group, can feel so good,\u201d Smith said. \u201cIt gives you a community of people who really get it and who won\u2019t judge you for your grief.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Honor those who are no longer with us<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n Smith also recommends finding a way to honor your person despite them not being here. <\/p>\n \u201cThis could be something you do privately, like hanging an ornament that was special to them, or going to a religious or spiritual service that they used to go to,\u201d Smith said. \u201cOr you may want to write them a card or buy yourself a gift from them. You could also do something larger and more demonstrative by inviting other family members to contribute and gather in honor of the person you lost.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Be nice to yourself<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n Now is a time to be exceedingly gentle with yourself and to practice self-compassion. <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s easy to go the other way and to judge yourself and think that you should be feeling differently than you do, or that you should be \u2018over it\u2019 by now,\u201d Weiss said. \u201cHave compassion for yourself and know that grief doesn\u2019t just go away. It just changes in intensity, and the holidays can bring grief to the forefront. It can happen, and if it does, it\u2019s okay. You\u2019re not doing anything wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Make a plan<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n Another helpful thing to do is to think about what will help you get through the holiday season. <\/p>\n \u201cHow do you want to spend the holidays this year?\u201d Smith said. \u201cDo you want to close all the blinds, watch Netflix and call it off this year? That’s okay. Or do you want to figure out a new plan for your holidays?\u201d<\/p>\n To best cope with her grief, Gillie has decided to stay put for the holidays, and spend them with just her husband and son. <\/p>\n \u201cI normally go home to Chicago to spend the holidays with family,\u201d Gillie said. \u201cBut I talked it over with my therapist, and I realized that I am too emotionally triggered right now, so I\u2019ve decided not to go. That\u2019s a big deal. I have to learn to cook for three people instead of 30!\u201d<\/p>\n Though it was a tough decision to make, it was an empowering one. <\/p>\n To get through this time, it\u2019s important that each grieving person figure out what\u2019s going to work for them. There\u2019s no right or wrong way to grieve \u2014 but a little understanding can go a long way if you or someone you know is struggling during this time of year.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n
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