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Emily Jamea, Ph.D.<\/em>, is a sex therapist, author and podcast host. You can find her here each month to share her latest thoughts about sex.<\/em><\/p>\n April is <\/em>Sexual Assault Awareness Month<\/em>.<\/em><\/p>\n My 2 o\u2019clock client, Nicola, sat across from me on the sofa, her legs tucked under her. She glanced out the window at the storm clouds moving in, a single tear rolling down her cheek as if she herself was starting the rain. <\/p>\n \u201cIt happened 20 years ago, but sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.\u201d <\/p>\n I stayed quiet, giving her the space to tell me more on her own time. <\/p>\n \u201cI was 10 years old, and I was having a sleepover at a friend\u2019s house. I went to the hall bathroom to get some water after everyone was asleep. My friend\u2019s older brother was still awake, and he walked in. I think he was 17 or 18, something like that.\u201d She choked back a sob. \u201cHe wasn\u2019t aggressive or violent, even. He didn\u2019t have to be because I totally froze. And now I feel like I freeze every time I\u2019m with my husband. It\u2019s tearing our marriage apart. I\u2019m so ashamed.\u201d <\/p>\n The office darkened as the last bit of sunlight disappeared behind the clouds, casting away any remaining shadows, awash now only with her story, a version of a story I\u2019d heard too many times to count. <\/p>\n I see a high volume of sexual assault survivors because I\u2019m not only a certified sex therapist, but I\u2019m also trained in trauma interventions, specifically Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy.<\/p>\n April is sexual assault month, and thanks to the #metoo movement, we can\u2019t deny the fact that sexual assault, which comes in many forms, is something that countless women have experienced. As much as I love to write about the light, fun components of sex, we can\u2019t ignore the darker side as well. <\/p>\n What comes up for you when you hear the words \u201csexual assault\u201d? Most people think of a violent rape, but sexual assault can take on different shapes. We must first break down the word \u201csexual.\u201d <\/p>\n Our sexuality does not only inhabit our body. It\u2019s also our thoughts, emotions and spirit as well. Any assault, violent or otherwise, on any part of our sexuality has the potential to negatively affect the way we think, feel and express ourselves sexually. Furthermore, sexuality doesn\u2019t live in its own compartment. It\u2019s linked to our individuality. Sexual assault, therefore, doesn\u2019t just affect our sexuality. It profoundly affects our sense of self. <\/p>\n I\u2019ve worked with women who have been violently raped. I\u2019ve worked with women who have been sexually coerced. I\u2019ve worked with women who have been taken advantage of when they\u2019ve had too much to drink. I\u2019ve worked with women who were touched inappropriately by strangers on the subway, neighbors and peers. I\u2019ve worked with women who were raped by their spouses and women who\u2019ve experienced sexual violence in the name of religion. You name it, I\u2019ve probably seen it. <\/p>\n If I had to identify one common symptom that these women share, it would be the feeling of shame they carry with them. The other symptoms run the gamut. Some are too terrorized to even imagine having sex again while others experience only fleeting inhibition with specific sex acts. Some develop unhealthy coping mechanisms such as addiction or eating disorders, while others remain highly functional in just about every area of their lives. But, to varying degrees, most women seem to feel ashamed by what happened to them, so this is usually where I begin treatment. <\/p>\n I start by explaining one simple fact: The shame is not theirs. It belongs to the perpetrator. They\u2019ve internalized it, but it isn\u2019t their emotion to carry.<\/p>\n That\u2019s where I began with Nicola. <\/p>\n \u201cNicola,\u201d I said gently. \u201cYou said you\u2019re ashamed. We all have a way to pick up on emotions around us. Right now, I feel my own chest tighten as you share your story. This ability \u2014 to take on what another person is feeling \u2014 is part of what makes us human. But sometimes, people put feelings on us that don\u2019t belong. Your friend\u2019s brother was acting shamelessly. And you, young and vulnerable, absorbed his shame. But you don\u2019t have to carry it around. It\u2019s not your burden to bear. <\/p>\n \u201cAll of our emotions, whether pleasant or unpleasant \u2014 words I prefer to \u2018good\u2019 and \u2018bad\u2019 \u2014 are there to tell us something. Anxiety, for instance, tells us we need to be aware of our surroundings. Anger tells us we need to speak up for ourselves. Guilt tells us when we\u2019ve done something wrong. But shame \u2026 shame is slippery. It\u2019s slimy. It tells us that we\u2019ve stepped way outside our moral zone and that we should never repeat what we did. <\/p>\n \u201cBut you didn\u2019t do anything wrong; you were trying to enjoy a sleepover with your friend. Her brother was the one who acted shamelessly. And when we listen to our feelings \u2014 in this case, shame \u2014 the message you internalized from it was sex is wrong.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cBut sex isn\u2019t wrong. He was wrong. Assault is wrong. Violation is wrong. Crossing boundaries is wrong. Ignoring \u2018no\u2019 is wrong. Taking advantage of someone in a vulnerable position is wrong. Sex is beautiful. It\u2019s an act of connection and love. What he did was not sex. It was assault.\u201d<\/p>\n This transition \u2014 releasing shame and redefining what happened as assault and not sex \u2014 is one of the most powerful first steps any survivor can take toward reclaiming sexuality for themself.<\/p>\n Beyond that, women need to take care in selecting future partners. A partner who is anything less than patient, kind and empathic simply will not do. I\u2019ve worked with too many women who ended up with partners who didn\u2019t try to understand the impact that assault had on their partner. Seeing it as something they should just \u201cget over\u201d ends up making their partners feel alone, which puts off healing. Survivors need to be very clear with new partners about limits and boundaries. There may be some sex acts that are simply too triggering and that\u2019s OK. Pairing up with someone who understands and respects your limits tremendously facilitates recovery. A healthy relationship with someone you love is one of the best remedies. <\/p>\n Working with a qualified therapist can also go a long way. We have incredible, effective trauma interventions available nowadays. I think a lot of people imagine therapists passively taking notes while clients relay their stories, maybe assigning a journal entry for homework. Not these days. We are active: EMDR, EFT, somatic therapy, mindfulness and trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy are all wonderful interventions. <\/p>\n I worked with Nicola for several weeks. Once we processed the pain and trauma of her experience, I gradually helped her rediscover pleasure. <\/p>\n I wrote here about the variety of assault situations I\u2019ve treated, and I want to end with all the healing I\u2019ve seen. I\u2019ve helped women consummate marriages, experience their first orgasms, stop having nightmares, confidently welcome children to the world and get off medications used to treat the anxiety related to their trauma. <\/p>\n Never give up hope and trust that healing is possible.<\/p>\n If you or someone you know is or has been a victim of sexual assault, contact the <\/em>National Sexual Assault Hotline<\/em> at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or the <\/em>National Domestic Violence Hotline<\/em>at 800-799-SAFE (7233).<\/em><\/p>\n Resources
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