Your mom smokes weed. It\u2019s not even a joke anymore; it\u2019s a fact. <\/p>\n
Your mom goes into dispensaries and Gen Z TikTok-hops around offering well-informed advice on how to use CBD for arthritis, and which strain to use to make her husband (your dad) want to have sex with her (you\u2019re welcome). <\/p>\n
Do you know what is a joke? <\/p>\n
The cannabis strain names offered to this sweet woman who shoved your enormous head from her precious, powerful temple.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The thing is, friend, the strain isn\u2019t always indicative of how the cannabis will make you feel. <\/p>\n
Sometimes a strain is named after people \u2014 like Jack Herer, the legend \u2014 or places, like Kush in the Himalayas. <\/p>\n
Or how they smell (Lemon OG, Cheese, etc.), but rarely are they named for how they\u2019ll make you feel and what they\u2019ll make you do. And they should be.<\/p>\n
Alaskan Thunderfuck<\/h3>\n
What, is your mom going to feel like she\u2019s trapped in an avalanche unable to call for help, or that Thor\u2019s mighty hammer will strike her down upon inhalation? Come on. <\/p>\n
This strain should be called, \u201cOoh, Feel How Soft The Cat Is Right Now, Watch Out Here It Comes Again, Grab The Cheez-Its!\u201d as it is a creative, chill sativa with a creeper tendency and a penchant for inciting munchies. <\/p>\n
Creeper strains come on like one of Saturn\u2019s moons, slowly retrograding your life, adding a desperate need for a snack and a blankie. You\u2019ve been warned.<\/p>\n
Green Crack<\/h3>\n
Why do we do this? <\/p>\n
Sure, this is a super sativa that helps with focus and creativity similar to the effects of a stimulant, but it will not encourage you to start your own business, get mad at your friends for not investing in said business, or break up your marriage. <\/p>\n
It will help you, \u201cGet Shit Done and Try To Have Sex With Your Platonic Friend Morgan\u201d (Morgan, I know you still watch my IG stories!). <\/p>\n
Its got aphrodisiac effects, drives focus, and uplifts your mood tremendously. <\/p>\n
Save on Xanax and switch to cannabis. Just\u2026 try it as a microdose before you jump in.<\/p>\n
White Nightmare<\/h3>\n
I choose to feel threatened by this one, gentle reader. <\/p>\n
Blue Dream remains one of the most popular strains, and its crossbred progeny like White Nightmare offers cannasseurs a taste of that creative spark with just a touch of anxiety. <\/p>\n
This strain should be called, \u201cGet the DIY Stuff Out and Await Existential Crisis\u201d because it will wreak havoc on your sense of corporeal being. <\/p>\n
You\u2019ll do that face where it\u2019s like a smile but with scared eyes. And you\u2019ll beg for the sweet release of sleep. <\/p>\n
Use it for its productivity and to create the next great TikTok about how we all have ADHD (I hate you) and then do some serious self-care. We love that journey for you.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t be afraid to ask your budtender about the effects a strain will have on your body. They\u2019ll tell you. We\u2019re still the boss of these kids! Don\u2019t resent that they get to sell weed without losing their parents\u2019 respect. \u03d6<\/p>\n
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