The past 19+ months have provided us with more than a few challenges, but they\u2019ve also allowed us to reflect on what\u2019s working in our lives and what could use a major overhaul.<\/p>\n
An unexpected benefit of all the cancelled happy hours, closed gyms, and remote offices is that it automatically created boundaries for our personal and professional lives. Too exhausted to go out on Friday night? No problem, the bar isn\u2019t open. Don\u2019t feel like going to spin class? Yoga at home sounds better anyway. Have trouble telling co-workers \u201cNo\u201d in person? Being off site makes it easier to say you \u201cHave a conflict.\u201d<\/p>\n
Do You Need Better Boundaries?<\/h2>\n
As you venture back into the (partially) reopened world, you might notice that your exhaustion levels and people-pleasing behaviours have resurfaced. Maybe you\u2019re feeling more drained and less psyched about social obligations. Or you\u2019re experiencing more guilt, regret, and resentment.<\/p>\n
Sure, there are a lot of reasons you might be feeling more tanked than usual. But in my decade of experience as a health coach, I\u2019ve seen firsthand what can happen when folks don\u2019t stand up for what they need, when they need it. Research professor and author, Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown agrees, saying, \u201cDaring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.\u201d<\/p>\n
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In short, boundaries are the limits you decide work for you.<\/strong><\/p>\n When you say \u201cYes\u201d to others, you\u2019re often saying \u201cNo\u201d to your own needs. You\u2019re telling yourself that pleasing others \u2014 or avoiding the fear of rejection, disappointment, criticism, or feeling temporarily uncomfortable \u2014 is more important than respecting yourself. Healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care. And deciding that you deserve to put limits on your energy and time, especially toward things that don\u2019t serve you, can be a total game-changer.<\/p>\n Benefits of having healthy boundaries:<\/p>\n Boundaries can be physical, emotional, spiritual, work-related, or friend-and-family-related. For example, in my health coach-client relationships, I could set the boundary to keep my own health struggles separate and not share too much about my personal life. Or I could decide that I won\u2019t hold myself responsible for my clients\u2019 slip-ups, or compromise my schedule just to fit someone in last minute.<\/p>\n Healthy boundaries can be set for personal relationships as well. Got a friend who stops by unannounced, with boatloads of comforting junk food, to worry about their never-ending quest to lose weight? Or a sibling who borrows your things without asking? A healthy boundary would require you to speak up about what you need from that relationship \u2014 whether it\u2019s letting that friend know they need to give you a head\u2019s up before popping over, or telling your sibling they need to ask first. Or just straight up saying \u201cno.\u201d<\/p>\n And just so you know, not<\/em> creating boundaries can lead to these same issues appearing over and over again in all of your relationships.<\/p>\n All of this boundary stuff has been well documented too, from research around work-life balance to the expectations of new moms. One study, in particular, evaluated 31 participants who\u2019d given birth in the previous year, addressing three things: perceptions regarding the role of maternal self-care, specific applications of self-care in new motherhood (like exercising, seeing friends, allowing dad to jump in to help), and barriers to acting on those applications. Researchers found that two ideologies came to the forefront. One, the new moms believed that self-care was important during this time. And two, they associated an extreme form of self-sacrifice was required of them.<\/p>\n In other words, they knew what they needed to do, yet because they believed they had to sacrifice their own needs for those of their baby, they didn\u2019t follow through with any of kind of self-care.<\/p>\n In a nutshell, if a situation you\u2019re repeatedly in makes you feel drained, stressed, overcommitted, overly taxed, or resentful, it\u2019s time to create some boundaries.<\/strong><\/p>\n Still not sure if you need to create better boundaries? Ask yourself:<\/p>\n Setting boundaries is a life skill, it\u2019s not something you\u2019re inherently born with. It\u2019s also not something you do once and never give another thought to. Your needs, your environment, and the people you interact with are constantly changing, so you\u2019ll need to update and manage your boundaries as those variables change. When you decide to make yourself a priority (yes, that\u2019s what boundaries do), you\u2019ll notice how quickly you feel more empowered and less exhausted. Here are five tips for creating good boundaries in your world:<\/p>\n Healthy boundaries are a critical component of self-care. As you start to realize what limits you need to set for your time and energy (and why that\u2019s important to your overall wellbeing), you\u2019ll quickly see that you don\u2019t need to expend so much energy giving more of yourself than you want. You\u2019ll also see that the fear of rejection, disappointment, and criticism decreases the more you practice these five steps:<\/p>\n What about you? Do you have good boundaries?<\/em><\/p>\n\n
What Does a Healthy Boundary Look Like?<\/h2>\n
Believe That You\u2019re Worth Creating Boundaries<\/h2>\n
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Become a Boundary-Setting Pro<\/h2>\n
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A lot of times, things happen to people that make them feel uncomfortable, but they don\u2019t know why. Take time to be a detective of your own well-being and really start to notice the difference between feeling tired from overdoing it at the gym and feeling depleted because you neglected to put any boundaries up with your friends and family.<\/li>\n
Love, acceptance, and approval are often tied to pleasing other people, especially if you have these tendencies. Even though it may feel like you\u2019re risking rejection when you put a limit on your time or energy, you\u2019re declaring the fact that you respect yourself enough to do so. It\u2019s also important to note that setting limits isn\u2019t selfish. It actually makes you more productive and enjoyable to be around.<\/li>\n
We don\u2019t live in a world of mind-readers, which means you\u2019re going to have to communicate your needs if you want them met. You can\u2019t hold people to the unrealistic expectations that they inherently know you don\u2019t want to work \u2018til midnight or eat the homemade cupcakes they brought over. Get clear about your boundaries and then voice them where appropriate.<\/li>\n
If you\u2019re not used to creating boundaries, you\u2019ll probably feel a bit of guilt, selfishness, or embarrassment at first. After all, who are YOU to say you won\u2019t do these things others are asking of you? This is where self-respect comes in. Remind yourself that you have a right to tell someone no without feeling bad about it. You also have a right to put your own needs first.<\/li>\n
When you don\u2019t set good boundaries, or set them but don\u2019t follow through, you\u2019re reinforcing your personal talk track that says that someone else\u2019s needs are more important than yours. On the flip side, when you establish good boundaries and maintain your commitment to them, it can lead to you feeling proud, respected, and in control. It\u2019s up to you, but I\u2019d argue that the latter is a much better way to go through life.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\nMy 5-Step Plan for Good Boundaries<\/h3>\n
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