\n\n<\/p>\n
By Deborah Carr, Boston University<\/em><\/p>\n Death \u2013 along with taxes \u2013 is one of life\u2019s few certainties. Despite this inevitability, most people dread thinking and talking about when, how or under what conditions they might die. <\/p>\n They don\u2019t want to broach the topic with family, either, for fear of upsetting them. Ironically, though, talking about death \u201cearly and often\u201d can be the greatest gift to bestow on loved ones.<\/p>\n As a sociologist who has studied end-of-life issues for more than two decades, I\u2019ve learned that people know they should talk about death honestly and openly, but surprisingly few do. In fact, one recent study showed that while 90% of adults say that talking to their loved ones about their end-of-life wishes is important, only 27% have actually had these conversations.<\/p>\n It\u2019s frightening to think about our own suffering, or our loved ones\u2019 distress. But everyone should talk about and prepare for death precisely because we want to minimize our own suffering at the end of life, and soften the anguish of loved ones left behind.<\/p>\n No time to plan<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n These conversations are more urgent now than ever, as the COVID-19 pandemic has changed how Americans die. <\/p>\n For the past several decades, most adults have died from chronic illnesses like heart disease, cancer and lung disease. The time between diagnosis and death for people with these conditions can be months or even years. That gives patients and their families ample time to share their feelings, resolve unfinished business, and make practical preparations for death \u2013 including estate planning, advance care planning and even planning a celebration of life that bears the dying patient\u2019s creative imprint. <\/p>\n But when the pandemic struck in 2020, COVD deaths began to occur quickly and unexpectedly, with many patients dying just days after they felt their first symptoms. Their families were robbed of final moments together and often had no documents in place to guide the patient\u2019s health care or the distribution of their possessions. This suddenness, isolation and lack of preparedness all are hallmarks of a \u201cbad death\u201d for both the patient and their family.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n What to cover<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n Advance care planning, which typically involves a living will and a health care proxy, allows people to articulate which medical treatments they want or don\u2019t want at the end of life.<\/p>\n A living will formally articulates preferences for care, such as whether to use comfort measures like hospice and palliative care, or more invasive measures like feeding tubes and ventilators. Documenting these preferences when the patient is still able to make those decisions helps to ensure they die on their own terms \u2013 a cornerstone of the \u201cgood death.\u201d <\/p>\n Appointing a health care proxy when still relatively young and healthy gives people an opportunity to decide who will be tasked with their end-of-life decision-making. It also clarifies loved ones\u2019 responsibilities and can fend off arguments that could arise around the deathbed. Having these discussions early also prevents panicked choices when someone\u2019s health takes a dramatic turn for the worse. <\/p>\n End-of-life discussions also help you to construct your own legacy. In \u201cDeath and Identity,\u201d a classic book in death studies, sociologist Robert Fulton observed that \u201cpreserving rather than losing \u2026 personal identity\u201d is a critical aspect of the dying process. Being treated like a \u201cwhole person\u201d is a core component of a good death, and honest discussions are a key to maintaining your unique identity, even at the end of life.<\/p>\n Conversations also help us share how we\u2019d like to be celebrated after we\u2019re gone. This might be as simple as dictating the music, food, and photo or video displays for a memorial service; where to spread ashes; or charities for mourners to support. Some people take more ambitious steps at leaving behind a legacy, such as penning an autobiography or leaving behind videos for relatives. Creating a \u201cpost-self\u201d that lingers years after the body has died can be a cherished gift to families.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Getting started<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n Broaching these conversations can be awkward or unnerving, but it doesn\u2019t have to be. Death is a natural and inevitable part of life and should be approached as such. I have argued that the end of life is a stage, just as childhood, adolescence and old age are.<\/p>\n Each stage teaches lessons for the others that lie ahead.<\/p>\n Children learn skills in school that they\u2019ll need to enter the workforce. Teens learn how to navigate romantic relationships as preparation for the future. Adults of all ages can learn about hospice and end-of-life medical care, make preparations for passing on their inheritance and discuss how they\u2019d like to be honored in death. These steps can help attain an end of life marked by peace and self-directedness, rather than strife and the loss of autonomy.<\/p>\n Ample resources are available to guide these conversations. Organizations like The Conversation Project \u2013 not related to The Conversation \u2013 have created guides for productive end-of-life discussions. Advance care planning documents ranging from living wills to the \u201cFive Wishes\u201d program, which helps clarify people\u2019s values about how they\u2019d like to spend their final days, can be a good starting point.<\/p>\n [Over 140,000 readers rely on The Conversation\u2019s newsletters to understand the world.<\/em> Sign up today.]<\/p>\n A simple introduction like \u201cI need to think about the future. Will you help me?\u201d is a good icebreaker. And the first conversation eases the path to future chats, because changes in physical health, family relations and mental sharpness may necessitate revisions in end-of-life plans.<\/p>\n By discussing these issues during calm times, such as after a holiday get-together or birthday dinner, we can feel prepared and empowered as we and our families approach the inevitable. Deborah Carr, Professor of Sociology and Director of Center for Innovation in Social Science, Boston University<\/em><\/p>\n This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n
\n
\n
![\"The](\"https:\/\/counter.theconversation.com\/content\/173614\/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic\")
<\/p>\n