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Emily Jamea, Ph.D<\/em>., is a sex therapist, author and podcast host. You can find her here each month to share her latest thoughts about sex.<\/em><\/p>\n Have you ever dreamt of what it would be like to win the lottery? I know I have. It feels good to imagine who you\u2019d share your winnings with, where you\u2019d go on vacation and what you\u2019d do with extra leisure time.<\/p>\n Have you ever allowed yourself to imagine how it would feel to take revenge on someone who betrayed you? I\u2019ll admit \u2014 I\u2019ve done that too. Of course, you\u2019d never actually do the things you envision, but a certain satisfaction, a respite from the pain, comes when you imagine the feeling of seeking vengeance on someone who\u2019s done you wrong.<\/p>\n Most people don\u2019t think twice about lottery or revenge fantasies, but for some reason, when it comes to sexual fantasies, one question comes up over and over again \u2014 am I normal?<\/p>\n This was Tara\u2019s question when she sought therapy with me. It was a cold January morning, and my old office was chilly. Tara, however, was flushed and red-faced.<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t believe I\u2019m saying this out loud,\u201d she started. \u201cI have fantasies about things I\u2019d never want to do in real life. I imagine myself at a sex party. I\u2019m wearing a masquerade mask so that my identity is concealed. At this party, anything is possible. I let multiple men have sex with me, one after the next, and I love it. Sometimes I\u2019m tied and bound. Other times, I\u2019m the one moving from one person to the next. I feel like I\u2019m normal in real life, but in these fantasies, I\u2019m totally sex crazed. I don\u2019t get it. I adore my husband, and I have no real desire to be with anyone else. <\/p>\n But for some reason, these images pop into my head when he and I are making love. Shouldn\u2019t I be focused on him? What\u2019s wrong with me?!\u201d<\/p>\n Our ability to concoct mental imagery is one of the many things that makes humans superior to any other animal species. Imagination helps us problem-solve, reduce stress, set goals and foster empathy. Typically, it\u2019s a quality that\u2019s encouraged. Early childhood educators collaborate with young children in imaginative play. Fortune 500 companies give preference to candidates who demonstrate an ability to think outside the box.<\/p>\n When it comes to sexual thoughts, however, people tend to police their own minds. This is in part because of cultural and religious teachings. The United States is still very puritanical when it comes to sexuality. Women seem especially plagued by the fact that they have sexual thoughts. Culture around gender norms tell us that men think about sex all the time. It\u2019s normal for them. But women, on the other hand, must only daydream about a bed of roses.<\/p>\n \u201cI understand your concern,\u201d I told Tara. \u201cI\u2019m hearing two parts to your story. One is that you feel disturbed by the nature of your fantasies and the second is that you feel ashamed that you have them while making love with your husband.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s right,\u201d she replied.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cLet me address your first concern. The truth is, it\u2019s more unusual for people not <\/em>to fantasize than it is for them to fantasize. One of the largest surveys on sexual fantasies surveyed 4,175 American adults of all income brackets, races, religions, political affiliations, and sexual and gender identities who were involved in an array of relationship styles (single, dating, married, polyamorous) and found that 97% of them reported having sexual fantasies.<\/p>\n The researcher, Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., defined sexual fantasies as \u201cany mental picture that comes to mind when you\u2019re awake that ultimately turns you on.\u201d He found that most sexual fantasies fall into seven broad categories. The top three are multiple partners, BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism and masochism; think 50 Shades of Grey), and sexual novelty and adventure. The remaining four categories are taboo\/forbidden sex, nonmonogamy, passion and romance, and flexibility\/gender-bending.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWow.\u201d Tara sat with her mouth agape. \u201cI\u2019m shocked to hear this. But what does it mean? There must be some significance. I can see working to accept my fantasies \u2014 at least I don\u2019t feel so abnormal. But how do I stop them from happening when I\u2019m with my partner?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPeople have sexual fantasies for all kinds of reasons. First, there is no indication that having fantasies means you\u2019re unhappy with your relationship or sex life. For most people, it\u2019s fun and pleasurable to imagine doing things you\u2019d never actually do. Just because you imagine it doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019d enjoy it in real life. Sometimes there\u2019s a deeper emotional or psychological element to fantasies. For example, it\u2019s not uncommon for people in positions of power to fantasize about being forced to submit to someone else\u2019s control. You described being turned on by the idea that so many men desire you that they can\u2019t control themselves. Who doesn\u2019t want to feel irresistible? Some people who have trauma in their past may find that sexual thoughts help them regain a sense of control over a situation they didn\u2019t have control over in real life.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Now, to your point about fantasizing while with your partner. You have a few options. One, you can practice sexual mindfulness. Now that you know your fantasies are normal, my guess is you\u2019ll be less emotionally worked up when you have them, which will make it easier to refocus on your body and your partner. Another option would be to create some space for them during partnered sex. Perhaps you can call on them to help build arousal, but then refocus on your partner when you feel sexually charged. Another option is to invite your partner to share in the experience. It might be fun to engage in some dirty talk that aligns with your fantasy with your partner from time to time. But at the end of the day, your fantasies are yours to share or keep private.\u201d<\/p>\n Feeling more relaxed, Tara sat back and let the information sink in. No longer flushed, she wrapped her shawl around her shoulders.<\/p>\n Every human being deserves the pleasure they can get from sexual fantasies. And no matter what your fantasies are, they\u2019re always safe, free and accessible \u2014 so, enjoy! <\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n