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When I first started practicing as a sex and relationship therapist nearly 15 years ago, the idea of open relationships was something my clients brought up once every six months or so. These days, the question about whether to explore consensual non-monogamy comes up nearly once a week.<\/p>\n
Consensual non-monogamy is an umbrella term that we use to describe a variety of open relationship structures. Regardless of the structure a couple chooses, one thing is clear \u2014 the couple mutually agrees to open, honest communication. This means no lies, no secrets, no sneaking around, and of course \u2026 no cheating.<\/p>\n
Lots of couples assume they\u2019re in monogamous relationships, but the cold hard truth is that infidelity, or cheating, is more common than we\u2019d like to admit. It used to be that men cheated more. This was primarily because men worked outside the home and had more opportunities to fool around. But these days, with more women working outside the home too and how easy the internet makes it to meet potential partners, both men and women find themselves tempted to orchestrate a secret tryst.<\/p>\n
Infidelity is more complex than many think. It’s hard to comprehend how someone could do such a thing despite claiming to still have feelings of love and attachment to their primary partner. This begs the question, Could it be that maybe we’re just not meant to be monogamous?<\/p>\n
This was the question that Timothy and Rose wanted to explore as part of their marital therapy. They\u2019d been happily married for 18 years and had a 14-year-old daughter. Despite maintaining a mutually satisfying sex life, they both felt like something was missing. They\u2019d recently watched a TV show that depicted a couple going to a sex party, and even though things went horribly wrong in the show, it sparked a conversation between them. Could they have sex with other people without getting jealous, feeling betrayed or breaking up their marriage?<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s start with the why,\u201d I told them. \u201cIt\u2019s always good to be very clear about your motivation.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rose began. \u201cWe married fairly young and neither of us had very many sexual experiences before committing to each other. I think we agree there\u2019s a part of us that feels curious about what it would be like to have sex with other people at this stage in life. I was so young when I was experimenting before meeting Tim. I didn\u2019t know my body. I didn\u2019t know how to express my desires. Tim has been incredible, and I\u2019ve grown so much with him over the years. I think he\u2019d say the same about me. But I couldn\u2019t stop fantasizing after seeing that TV show. When I confessed my thoughts to Tim, he surprised me by admitting he entertained the same curiosity from time to time as well.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not going to lie,\u201d Tim said. \u201cIt\u2019s painful for me to imagine Rose with anybody else. I\u2019m certain I couldn\u2019t watch her like that TV couple at the sex party. But what I do know is that I would never cheat on Rose, and I know she\u2019d never cheat on me. If this is something we\u2019re going to explore, we want to go about it the right way. We\u2019re here to get some information so we can figure out if this is something we should keep talking about.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d I told them, \u201cI commend you for being so mature about this. It can be challenging to have these conversations, but you\u2019re already clear about your commitment to one another. You\u2019re able to communicate effectively, and that\u2019s half the battle.\u201d<\/p>\n
\niStock.com\/ Westersoe<\/small><\/p>\n
\u201cDoes this actually work for people?\u201d Rose asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt does for some and not for others,\u201d I told them. \u201cUp until recently, we didn\u2019t have much research that examined the effect that non-monogamy had on marital happiness. But some interesting studies have come out recently. According to open-relationship researcher and therapist Martha Kauppi, whom I interviewed on my \u201cLove and Libido\u201d podcast, a recent small study indicated that open relationships may not have a negative impact on relationships and may enhance sexual satisfaction between the primary couple. Lots of people discover that they end up experiencing something called compersion, which is wholehearted joy knowing their partner is experiencing pleasure even if it doesn\u2019t include them. Of course there are others that find they get wildly jealous and possessive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, what do you<\/em> think, doc? Are humans meant to be monogamous?\u201d Tim asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI wish I had a straightforward answer,\u201d I said. \u201cIt\u2019s complicated, and the science is mixed. We know there\u2019s enormous variability in people\u2019s gender identity and expression and sexual orientation, and I think there\u2019s also variability in how people choose to have relationships. Some social scientists and anthropologists argue that monogamy became a socioeconomic arrangement between couples as humans evolved from living nomadically to farming. Women needed resources from men, and men needed to be sure that the children they were providing resources for were theirs. Now that women can provide their own resources and men can request a paternity test to confirm offspring, we don\u2019t really need this arrangement.<\/p>\n \u201cOther studies suggest that humans are hardwired to pair-bond and fall in love with one person at a time. But we all know that the honeymoon period eventually ends. This leads some scientists to argue that maybe we\u2019re designed to be serial monogamists. Furthermore, there are some species in the animal kingdom that maintain monogamous relationships for their entire lives.<\/p>\n \u201cI personally believe some humans are not designed to have monogamous relationships, while others feel completely fulfilled with one partner for their whole lives \u2014 and others fall somewhere in between.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cInteresting,\u201d Rose said. \u201cSo how do we determine what might work for us or even begin to experiment with this?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think it\u2019s important to first identify what kind of non-monogamous relationship structure you\u2019re comfortable with. Like everything else when it comes to sex, there are a lot of options. There\u2019s polyamory, which is concurrent ongoing romantic and sexual relationships, sometimes separate from the primary partner and, other times, relationships that include the primary partner; swinging, which is usually defined by couples having sex with other couples; and open relationships, where having sex with other people is permitted and not considered to be cheating, just to name a few. You can spend some time exploring these options, but the key to making any open relationship work is having open, honest communication. You may also find that you need to adjust boundaries as you explore.\u201d<\/p>\n Tim and Rose decided to start a trial period for an open relationship. They set boundaries, including always using sexual protection, never sharing their home address with people they hooked up with, and checking in with each other weekly to make sure they were both doing OK emotionally and as a couple.<\/p>\n Every couple\u2019s story is different. Tim and Rose discovered that a few casual hookups made their sex with each other even better. It seemed to fulfill whatever had been missing. But, after a few months of exploration, they decided to go back to monogamy. Who knows if they\u2019ll choose to open things up again in the future, but they left therapy feeling informed, empowered, and equipped with tools to make changes as they needed them.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n