\n
<\/p>\n
Emily Jamea, Ph.D., is a sex therapist, author and podcast host. You can find her here each month to share her latest thoughts about sex.<\/em><\/p>\n Media outlets have been buzzing about the recent allegations that Adam Levine cheated on his pregnant wife. It\u2019s a story that would make just about anybody cringe. How can someone cheat at all, let alone during a time when they\u2019re supposed to be more devoted and attentive to you than ever? <\/p>\n It\u2019s easy to assume that anyone who cheats is a jerk. People are quick to say it\u2019s unforgivable, and they can\u2019t fathom the idea of working things out after such a betrayal. But like it or not, infidelity is often more complex than we\u2019d like to admit, and walking away is often harder than people think it will be. Having a sense of some of the conditions that put relationships at risk for infidelity can help prevent yours from becoming another tabloid (or neighborhood) headline. <\/p>\n First and foremost, I want to be clear that infidelity is a trauma. In fact, people who have been cheated on often exhibit the very same symptoms of PTSD that people experience after more obvious traumas like car accidents \u2014 anxiety, insomnia, flashbacks, hypervigilance and uncontrollable thoughts about the event. It\u2019s terrible. In the psychology world, we refer to infidelity as relational trauma. We often assume that we have secure attachments to our romantic partners. Evidence of a secure attachment is feeling like you can confide in your partner, trust them, and believe in their love for you. Secure attachments make us feel both grounded and free. When someone cheats, it throws everything we thought was true about our relationship out the window. <\/p>\n When I\u2019m treating couples through infidelity recovery, the first thing I do is help them through the crisis. We establish boundaries and discuss what needs to happen in the immediate future to restore a sense of safety (restoring trust comes much later). I also do trauma work with the partner who\u2019s been betrayed.<\/p>\n Once a couple feels like the dust has settled to a reasonable extent, we can begin the next phase of therapy \u2014 insight. This is the part that people don\u2019t like when I discuss infidelity. Why? Because part of insight is understanding what role the betrayed partner may have<\/em> had setting up conditions that led someone to cheat.<\/p>\n I want to preface this by saying that at the end of the day, the decision to cheat belongs only to the person who does it. Furthermore, what I am about to say does not<\/em> excuse cheating, nor does it blame the betrayed partner. What it does<\/em> do is help both people understand where some of the weak points were in their relationship, so they can mend them and have a stronger bond moving forward. <\/p>\n 5 reasons why people cheat<\/strong><\/p>\n Without having any idea about what was really going on behind the closed doors of Adam Levine\u2019s relationship, we can only use his story to guess why he may have stepped out on his pregnant partner. My hope is that this will help you learn some of the psychology behind cheating and give you some idea of whether weak points exist in your own relationship.<\/p>\n 1. A loss of emotional attentiveness<\/strong>. Emotional attentiveness is an important part of relationship health. Everyone wants to feel seen by their beloved. However, when one person begins to overly focus on something else \u2014 the kids, work or an outside hobby, the other partner can feel emotionally neglected. There will inevitably be times in most people\u2019s relationships when their romantic partner isn\u2019t their number one priority, but it\u2019s important to acknowledge it. Saying something along the lines of, \u201cI know I\u2019ve been totally consumed with (fill in the blank). I want you to know that you\u2019re equally important to me, and I haven\u2019t forgotten about you. Let\u2019s plan on reconnecting (fill in the date).\u201d Acknowledging the emotional distance can go a long way in preventing your partner from seeking comfort elsewhere.<\/p>\n 2. Sexual disconnect.<\/strong> Countless studies show a strong link between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. Feeling sexually neglected is one of the most common reasons for cheating in relationships. I\u2019m a big proponent of the importance of adaptability in sex. What does this mean? If something you\u2019re used to doing is off the table, find something else to fill the gap. It\u2019s common for women to lose interest through pregnancy, and especially in the postpartum period, but this doesn\u2019t mean that everything sexual is lost. Can\u2019t have sex because you\u2019re recovering from surgery or illness? Spend time snuggling or taking a shower together to help maintain an erotic charge, even if that\u2019s as far as it goes.<\/p>\n 3. Opportunity<\/strong>. Opportunity is one of the most common reasons people cheat. I think this is why we see it happening so frequently among celebrities, especially ones like Adam Levine. Sometimes there is nothing \u201cwrong\u201d in the relationship, but people find themselves with the opportunity to be with someone else. One thing leads to another, and the rest of history.<\/p>\n 4. Personal neglect.<\/strong> It\u2019s not uncommon to lose parts of ourselves in our romantic relationships. Maybe you used to love long motorcycle rides in the countryside and now you\u2019re spending your spare time remodeling the kitchen. It could be that on a conscious or unconscious level, you meet someone who reminds you of the part you\u2019ve neglected. Eager to rediscover that part of yourself, you enter into a relationship that makes you feel fully alive again.<\/p>\n 5. Sociopathy.<\/strong> Cheating can be a symptom of a deeper psychological issue like narcissism or antisocial personality disorder. If you\u2019re in a relationship with someone who belittles you, gaslights you or is otherwise emotionally or physically abusive, infidelity may be just another act of relational betrayal.<\/p>\n Whether you leave the insight phase of therapy with newfound hope for your relationship or assurance that it\u2019s over, understanding what dynamics may have been at play can help you heal and move forward.<\/p>\n